Posted by: pendrops | July 11, 2007

i have to leave


I have to leave. The man, with several large tumors protruding from his face has been wandering the bookstore, reading in the café, and, after several hours at a comfortable distance, has found the table next to mine.

I want to vomit as I look – the way you look at a wreck, not wanting to, but not able to evade instinct – but my stomach only lurches and brings on several under-the-breath burps.

It makes me sad. Sad for this otherwise “normal” man who has to endure this absolute grotesqueness. It makes me wonder: has he ever considered surgery, or do the doctors know there is no repair for these bizarre growths.

Mostly, it makes me question what I would do if someone I loved looked like that. What if my child was born with these bumps? Would I be able to look at her and not be sick? What if some equally gut-wrenching tumor took over my husband’s face? What if I had to look in the mirror every day at bulbous bulges speckling my own face? What if God is calling me to love by simply looking this man in the eyes and smiling?

I wish I could. I wish this man’s face didn’t make me nauseas. I wish these sorts of things didn’t exist. I wish I wasn’t scared. I wish I could stomach all the ugly things. But I have to leave. Before I throw up.


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